Carry On

I wake up each day, wearing a thousand days before this.
Invisible layers.
Visible scars.
I dream of starting each day anew.
Yet my dreams of days past still haunt me.
I yearn to embrace the ghosts.
To welcome them kindly.

Here, deep sorrow, rest yourself.
Cozy into this velveteen chair.
Wrap you up in woolen blankets.
Feel the fire’s soft glow just there.

Were you always sad?

I see darkness cross your face.
Your eyes, cast down to the floor.
The wounds. The pain. The lowest lows.
Despair shrouded in shame.
But I’ve seen you awash in sunlight too.
It is true. Yes. There was sun.

I see you long for distant shores we sailed from long ago.
Where we danced in pools of moonlight,
Waltzed along streets where towers soared to the sky,
Lingered over long nights of shared plates and stories,
Another laugh, another bottle of wine.

Oh, do not leave your heart back there!
Fill it up and carry it with you!
Heavy luggage, worn and tattered,
Seams bursting with memories.

Why can’t I shake this feeling of dread!?

I walk along the ocean’s shore and all I feel is loss to come.
Safe in my cocoon, I have held my loved ones close.
Embraced the seedling artist inside me.
Found strength in vulnerability.
And now…I just feel raw.

A lump forms in my throat.
The doctors’ visits. The bills unpaid.
The list of all the things to do,
Growing even in this time of rest.
All the things I’ve pushed away,
Crashing back to my feeble shore.

Will I carry this with me always?
The weight of days to come.
The responsibilities I have there.

In dreams, I float like a woodland fairy.
Dance in treetops, soar through air.
Light like fireflies, Christmas lights, glitters all around.
Each spark, an intention. A truth. A possibility….

Yet I awake to darkness.
The alarm sounds 5:02.
Stretch my sore arms overhead.
Slowly, slowly.
Delay the inevitable before me.
The news, my inbox, my many roles to play.
None of them fairy.
None of them artist.
None of them dancer, poet, muse.
Maybe one day…
The heaviness will lift
And I’ll ascend on wings of sky…
Sigh.
Deep breath.
Carry on.